You win, reality

New plan – to cut back to half-time study so I don’t get smashed by work.

I feel a bit defeated, but I’m reminded of some good advice someone gave me a few years ago:

You don’t have to do everything.

Granted, this was with reference to me killing myself running up and down the field, chasing the football from one opposition player to the next – but I think it applies IRL as well. Week 1 of uni has barely begun and I’m already feeling a ten ton weight on my head. I’m finding it hard to relent on this because I like doing stuff – HEAPS of stuff – and beating the odds. But you know… blah.

A few years ago, I decided to try an experiment, where no matter how tired I was, I’d push myself to do stuff that was fun. Stuff like hobbies and things I’d often had opportunities for, but never took up. I threw myself into sport, art, got serious about my career, hooked up with DJ NU, planned holidays, cooked more, maybe even cleaned more but I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m wishfully making that part up.

My thinking was that I was constantly tired because I was burnt out, so may as well up the ante and see what’s on the other side.

It certainly didn’t get worse. I expect it’s because I was wilfully and purposely doing it, so never at any point did I feel like my life was in someone else’s hands. This isn’t a neat little story of extremes where shit gets really bad and reaches breaking point and I learn the value of looking after myself. A lot of good came from staying in top gear for awhile – I learned HEAPS of stuff with all that football, design, music, food, etc. in my life.

Sitting next to that charred feeling of burnout shitness was a little bundle of pride and achievement. It was having these two side-by-side that afforded me the headspace to reflect on what I wanted.

I’m still reflecting, by the way, and will probably continue reflecting until I go senile. But I won’t have to wonder if I’m a copout, because I have things I’m proud of. And I won’t worry too much that I’m a frantic psycho woman, because after doing things I can be proud of, I feel more comfortable and appreciative of downtime.

I’m pretty happy with the ‘some things’ I already do, so yeah – I guess I don’t have to do everything.

Not this semester, anyway. :)